[Writing] Writing with Depression (aka: Why My Books Aren't Finished)

After Scott Lynch (author of The Gentleman Bastard sequence) posted about depression earlier this week over on his Live Journal, I thought it was a good opportunity to describe how depression affects an aspiring writer’s life and work. Mainly the work.

I’m twenty-something, I’ve studied for degrees at Bachelor and Masters levels, and I’m also writing a trilogy. Or would be...if I wasn’t still stalling on the first book. I say “stalling”: this doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s in the book—hell, I know what’s in the trilogy and the trilogy after that, and so on and so forth. Basically, it’s not that I don’t know what to, or how to write, on the contrary. I know precisely how to do both, and I get irked if I don’t manage to write in a day.

I am a writer; if I do not write, I start to develop sociopathic tendencies. Alright, that last part was an exaggeration. Either way, I get very, very cranky if my mood prevents me from writing.

And here’s where we get to the “mood” part.

I am depressed. It’s lot better than it was when studying for my MA, when I essentially took up the role of a well-dressed zombie, shambling about the house daily, hardly doing anything but staring meaningfully at an open blank page, almost hoping my novels would just splurge themselves onto the awaiting spaces. In fact, I tried this for two years, whilst plodding along with my postgraduate studies, working on trite nonsense dressing itself up as science-fiction, but in plain enough clothes to pass as “normal fiction” for the genre-hating lecturers at my university.

I got precious little done, in the end. Oh, I might have gotten a Masters Degree, but who’s counting that? Certainly not me.

Now?

Things are better.

Marginally.

 I don’t think depression ever goes away, I merely think we learn how to cope with it. Coping mechanisms are what enable us to actually plod the hell on, and take a moment and think “right, I’m sitting here like a zombie; I’m frustrated and upset—oh! It’s a blip, that’s what it is”.

Unsurprisingly—yet it took me some time to actually realise it—my mechanism is reading. I’ve been reading fantasy for years, however, it’s only in the last two years I have been eating books. I’ve found that when I read, I can write, and when I can write; I’m happier (happy, some days).

It seemed as good a time as any to blog about this, because I really am getting better: it’s not as hard as it used to be, and once you identify triggers and the pitfalls of your own moods, you can begin to overcome the depression on a level you previously never could. So, I can pretty much understand everything Lynch talks about in his blog. Not all depression is the same, but, I think we can at least understand each other a little.

Depression is the single reason I am plodding through The White War; the first book in my trilogy. (Well, that and the reasons discussed in a previous post.) It’s coming along, now, and the whole series is planned out: everything is merely waiting to be written. It’s frustrating, really, that my head and plans are so far ahead of my fingers on the keyboard. 

Frustrating as it is, there’s little point in forcing or rushing things: it’ll merely disrupt whatever progress I’ve made through my depression. So, instead, you have to work day-to-day. It’s awkwardly annoying for a control freak like me, but, it’s all I have. (And it appears to be working.)

In essence, I’ve given myself a very harsh deadline for The White War: I won’t say when it is, but, by hook or by crook, it will be done by this date. Then I have the joy of beginning on The Black Rebellion. Being a writer is fun, isn’t it?

I’m hoping for a productive summer; I’m hoping to make a lot of progress both with my writing, and with my depression.

And one can but hope. 

"That Kind of Work" - A battle against transgressive and literary fiction

It seems particularly relevant to what's in the SFF media at the moment--that (now slightly old) review of the television adaptation of G.R.R Martin's Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire)--that I should post this now. Whilst not strictly related to the unashamedly stupid, and senseless review of the latest fantasy thing to hit the mainstream, there is a link with what's been on my mind at present. Namely, rewriting. 

Recently, following a BBC show that apparently "sneered" at genre fiction, seemingly recognising only literary fiction as a valid 'genre' in which people really read, 85 authors--not all SFF writers--took enough offence to put their names to a complaint in regard to the 'treatment of genre fiction', which was subsequently sent to the BBC. 

Various blog posts sprung up following the New York Times' review, and more after the BBC's obvious snobbery. But Daniel Abraham's posting at Orbit ("Reviewing the Reviewers") struck a particular chord. 

"From the creative writing professor who won’t accept “that kind” of work". A single line that reminds me why instead of being deep into the second (or even third) novel in my planned trilogy, I am trudging away trying to unravel and mend everything that was written during my Bachelors and Masters degrees with a single goal in mind: twisting my SFF genre writing so that my lecturers would accept it. 

Having spoken with other students still studying for their BAs, I have to realise how lucky I was; in some instances, certain lecturers have begun to outright refuse SFF and genre fiction, in favour of what (unfortunately) used to permeate critique sessions throughout both degrees--transgressive and literary fiction. 

"I don't want any goblins!" a recent PhD student-teacher announced to her class, much to the bemusement of the girl I know who studies her under, since, to her knowledge, not a person in the class had decided to be "old school" enough to involve just goblins in their SFF work. Nevertheless, I was lucky. 

I managed to submit my genre fiction (usually science-fantasy, or high-fantasy) with little trouble, whilst still receiving very high grades and absolutely no disrespect toward my chosen genre. In fact, I recall critique being carefully constructed and honest; my tutor did not understand SFF, but he understood writing and in his eyes, if the writing was good enough, the genre was of little importance. 

Unfortunately, I didn't remain under the tutelage of this man for very long, and soon I found myself forced to add elements to my writing I simply did not want to add. To "spice" up my fantasy I felt the need to add transgressive aspects, and more of the supposedly "fantastic" or "gothic" than required, merely to be able to justify the work better with a strong "literary" bibliography of references and influences. 

For my BA dissertation I wrote sci-fantasy/sci-fi; I managed to keep it precisely as I desired. However, I made the decision at the beginning of the project to refuse the guidance of my tutor. Why? I worried I'd be "encouraged away" from SFF, and be gently nudged toward lit-fic. Needless to say, this was the last thing I wanted. So, I swore off dissertation meetings, and essentially avoided university for the duration of the write-up. This might have gotten me a lower grade--I'm certain no tutor enjoys being ignored--but since the grade was high in the end, I still feel that the decision was the best I could make. 

But the point is that I shouldn't have needed to. Nor should I have needed to alter the plan for my novel, just so that I could comfortably submit excerpts of it throughout the duration of the course. The fact is that I had to. Or at least the treatment genre fiction received made it feel this way. By the end I became sneaky and I was submitting even transgressive sci-fi for the modules where "transgressive" was subtly forced into the curriculum at the last minute, and science-fantasy poetry for the obligatory modules. 

I am stubborn; other students were not so adamant in their approach to writing precisely what they wanted and subsequently changed their work. 

It's not fair, and it's certainly not right. It's not right that a university advertises a "Prose Masterclass" module, and then announces to students the day the course runs that it is to be a transgressive literature module, with nary a hint to such before. But, it happens. It shouldn't, but it does. 

For the MA, I buckled. Desperate to actually pass the damn thing I changed what I wanted to write. I'd wanted to write a science-fantasy novel (or at least 20,000 words of it...) and submit that with an accompanying study of the genre, its evolution and an exploration of precisely what sci-fantasy is. I even got as far as submitting my proposal, before I bottled out. 

It is an unpleasant experience to avoid meetings with tutors, simply because you know they're going to essentially cajole you into not writing SFF. That's the crux of it. In the end,  I turned in something essentially sci-fi, with elements taken from modern Japanese lit-fic as a way to steer around what was "accepted". Accompanying this was a detailed study on the evolution of cyberpunk, through to postcyberpunk, and the areas in which Western sci-fi and Japanese sci-fi meet. That, and how oddly transferable the themes found within Japanese lit-fit are. 

I struck gold and fascinated one tutor, but the other remained snobbish about little other than the plot of the piece. Still, thank the SFF gods for dual markers. The man I struck gold with? Yes...the lecturer I'd been so grateful for at the beginning of the course. Personally, I think it's the worst thing I ever wrote and I hate the damned contrived thing, but I walked away, Masters in hand, and vowed never to touch that particular university again. Which is a pity...since I'd wanted to study for a PhD.

 It's an unfortunate fate for anyone who so much as even likes SFF to be considered differently by their peers. Genre fiction, specifically SFF will never be mainstream, but that doesn't mean it can't be accepted, and coexist peacefully alongside other genres. 

The whole "university experience" was dampened by this, and in the end, although I'm standing here, two degrees in hand, my novel is presently being torn apart and rewritten to remove all the "necessary" sludge I inserted, just to feel passable in class. With a whole book ahead of me to polish, finish and revise, after having wiped off its stage make-up, I'm wondering if either degree was worth it.

I suppose I have the degrees, I have the few vague lessons I learned, and I still have my novels--incomplete or otherwise. The trilogy of The White War is coming along, and it will become what it was always supposed to be; not a dressed-up piece of garble that was forced out on demand, aiming to please all the wrong people.  

World Map: The World of the White War

For a bigger image, click the link below. 

Click this to embiggen

At long last, here she is: my world map. I'd love to be exciting and proudly declare her name, showcasing a wondrous imagination as to her title, but sadly, I happen to suck at naming worlds. Sure, cities, countries and even rivers and seas are a cinch—but any name I come up with for a world seems horribly contrived, and usually curiously Elvish. She used to be "Eluvas", but I decided it didn't suit her, didn't sound 'right' and left her subsequently nameless. 

This isn't a huge problem; it might be if the important things lacked names, but the name of a world to me is about as important as labelling every single city, village and tree! What matters is there. What makes a difference to the story is there. 

Lovely, isn't she? 

I've been deliberating adding a key to the map, but I do think the symbols/shading used speak for the effects they represent; the 'sands' are obviously desert-like, the 'marshes'—well, come now. And so on and so forth. 

The story revolves around the city of Kroysonne, capital city of the White Kingdom. This isn't to say that the story takes place primarily here—it doesn't. Rather, Kroysonne is the seat of Lady Kalvina; Living Goddess and ruling deity of the White Kingdom. The King, too, dwells in Kroysonne, making the city the pulse of the kingdom. 

Farther afield lies Ijmaviska and Tyyant; both as mysterious as each other in their own rights. The Elves dwell in the split (both geographically and politically) Ijmaviska, whilst the Fae occupy the secretive, hidden land of Tyyant. 

Between Sendar and Tyyant stands a powerful Fae barrier, the coastlines are silent, showing little sign of life, and even the Sea of Silke denies access to Tyyant's westernmost point with a scattering of rocky masses and islands. People know better than to venture to the veiled lands of Tyyant, so contact with the Fae is isolated and on the whole, non-existent. 

To the east lies Sendar; land of marshes, harsh ground and few lakes. Lashed by the ruddy Copper Sea and cut off from both her neighbours—by harsh mountains to the west, magic to the north—Sendar's only company comes in the shape of the shadowed creatures hailing from the Voidpool in the Deadlands—the very lands they used to call their own until much of it was reduced to ash and bone by the powerful magic of the Fae, after the Sendi waged an arrogant war. 

Across the Copper Sea, the Dragonscales beckon the curious and foolhardy to a land where only dragons and their lesser kin dwell. There are few dragons left since the Elder Dragons forsook their place in the world, becoming instead great spirits that dwell between the worlds, deep in the Ether—the very place mages and sorcerers draw their power from. The ancient dragons became a part of magic itself. 

Many, but not all chose this path: the remaining dragons live and hunt on their secluded islands, surviving somehow, scarcely sighted afield of their islands. Dragons remain a respected entity; powerful, old, though little-considered in a flesh-and-blood sense by the Whytish. 

The Sendi are different, partaking in active worship of their 'Dragonlords', whom they revere as living deities in the stead of their Living God—Arath—whose demise came through his own selfish folly as he took a dangerous war to the lands of the Fae, destroying the first Veil. 

Let's talk of the Elves. 

Caught in a constant civil war long turned cold, the relations between North and South Ijmaviska are strained at best, violent at worst. The Ice Elves in the North consider themselves the betters of the nomadic, wandering Sand Elves in the South: neither side sees reason, and it is a blessing in recent history that conflict has frozen, lowered to subtle, dangerous machinations and courtly intrigue. 

The quiet—albeit stiff—appearance belies a cruel game of one-upmanship and subterfuge. In response to this, the Living God of the Elves refuses to leave, yet he refuses to support one side over the other, choosing instead to dwell on the small island between the two, tended to by a council formed from both sides. In addition, both the North and South formed ruling assemblies of their own to govern their individual lands. Despite this, the council on which the Living God, Rainier, sits has ultimate power over both assemblies—though he'll rarely interfere in matters unless demanded by both bodies, or deemed necessary by his judgement alone. 

The Whytish humans received a mention when speaking about the overall plot, although little was said of their country in the same terms discussed here. The Living Goddess, Kalvina, rules supreme, aided by a King to whom she binds herself for a span of years—usually fifty. Together, they rule, deity and mortal united. The White Kingdom is lush, green and vast; mountains climb and slope, dense woodlands roll on for miles and great rivers and streams connect to great lakes, aiding transportation and trade within her own borders. 

The White Kingdom is divided into daenens. Each daenen is ruled by its Daen. These minor lords govern their own lands, but answer to the Lady and the King on all that is asked of them. As such, a council is formed on which all Daens sit: the Council of Kings. Headed by both Kalvina and the King, the council is the practical ruling body for the whole kingdom. 

The northernmost daenen is under the half-rule of the Elves (presently, North Ijmaviskan rule). The colder lands of Yns'daenen are more suited to the Ice Elves than than Whytish humans, used to their temperate, green lands. This arrangement serves to strengthen the alliance between the Elves and Whytish humans, and is valued by both Kalvina, and her brother-god, Rainier. 

Relations with the mysterious Fae exist only in stories, and the Sendi remain a people with whom they have contact for the purpose of trade alone. The same can likely be said for the Sendi. The mountains separating them are viewed as a blessing, not a barrier. 

The climate is as might be expected. Ijmaviska North flaunts icelakes, snow-fields and cities that glitter in the constant winter sun, whilst farther south, her sister boasts warm sands and gentle winds. Sendar's marshes bring an insidious dampness which in turn brings rain, the temperature of which differs according to season. All that is known about the Fae lands, is that the trees outnumber the cities, and it never snows. 

So, this is her—this is my world. Be nice to her; she's very shy and gentle. 

I hope to post more about my work next time—most likely not excerpts as I'm being coy about my work—and to further introduce the characters and the plot. Furthermore, I intend to post not only more reviews, but a news-style post detailing new and upcoming books that I'll be reading, to not only give a little news, but to share what I'm really about what it comes to fantasy. 

An Introduction to The White War

When any new blog takes its first little steps out into the big, hungry forest that is the internet, it can feel as though its papa is talking to himself (and perhaps he is!).

But instead of wallowing on the sidelines of the fantasy world, stepping softly about the fortress walls for fear of waking sleeping dragons (you know what they say about that), it's probably best to try and scale the grand stone walls of the castle with little more than a rope and grapnel, with a bundle of determination stuffed in a knapsack. 

Presently I'm writing the novel that's been clawing at the grey squishy stuff in my head for years, desperately seeking release. Unfortunately, it has transformed into something of a gargantuan beast, having been kept under lock and key for umpteen years, whilst I've been toiling away pretending to be an academic, when really what I wanted to do, was let this thing run free. 

The novel is by no means finished, but neither is it a blank page with a title and good intentions. It's currently sitting somewhere in the awkward middle, neither here nor there, occasionally rolling onto its back for a belly rub when it's feeling lonely, otherwise running about in circles like a thing possessed, just waiting to become words on a page. Since this blog is about the project itself, and not about why it's not finished already, I won't go too deeply into the evils of my time at University, writing for a degree wherein genre fiction is not only regarded with a surprised, arched eyebrow, but also a small titter when your back is turned. Essentially the beast was tamed and instead of pure roaring fantasy with bells on, it became a purring mess that liked a snooze in the midday sun. 

It finally began to shake off the cobwebs, yawning widely, when I took another route (read as, chose a different genre) for my Masters Degree, and let the beast slowly awaken. That's where we are now: my beast and I are ready to make this happen (whatever, "this" is!). 

As a plot, The White War has been solid for a very long time. The summary of the story would go as follows, if presented as a synopsis: 

The White Kingdom, a varied realm of humans, flanked on both sides by the kingdoms of the elves and fae, has always known that its single weakness is also its greatest strength: it's Lady. Kalvina is the Living Goddess of the White Kingdom, a tangible deity whose power has protected and nurtured the realm since the Creator moved on, leaving the world he'd craft in the hands of his immortal children. 

Though the Lady rules with kind firmness (so say those who love her), there are factions who would see her expelled, those who consider her as a meddlesome obstacle on the true path that the realm should walk towards. Protected by her own power of foresight, Kalvina dwells in a glorious palace whose towers breech the clouds, and there her mortal soldiers pledge their lives to her service. 

Greyan Xar'hail—half-elven, half human—is one of these soldiers. A major in the White League, outranked in his regiment only by his father, Greyan is more than happy to spend his life away from his native Ijmaviska. All Ijmaviska holds for the half-elf is a constricting life as a noblewoman's son, whereas in the human White Kingdom at his father's side, he may serve the Lady in peace, honouring too the elves' Living God—Kalvina's brother—with his gesture of alliance. For Greyan all is well. 

Until, that is, news of an ancient god-slaying weapon reaches the keen ears of the White League; a weapon that could take their Lady from them and plunge the kingdom into chaos. More troubling still, whisper of this evil has drifted from the West, from the ever-peaceful lands of the secretive fae. And that's not all; tense rumours of a resurrected cult linger about the darker passages of the realm, rumours linked to a handful of bodies and talk of monstrous creatures that prowl the winter darkness. 

With his father acting strangely, a shadow of himself, and the Lady under threat, Greyan has his hands full, let alone when he receives a letter he's been dreading for years: a summons back to Ijmaviska, for reasons undisclosed. 

The colour of the White Kingdom is about to change as a darkness rolls in, a darkness that threatens to stain the realm blood-red.

 

As with any fantasy novel there's much more to it than what the synopsis promises, but I feel this gives a nice little taste of it to whet the appetite. 

There will be elves and fae; two races that I want to cast in new moulds and give a sizeable chunk of time in the spotlight alongside the customary humans. Dark magic, white magic—and grey magic too, for that matter! 

There will be horribly monstrous, yet delectably cool creatures; ones that you'd stare in awe at if you saw them frolicking past in the forest, and those that can rip your face off at thirty paces. Add a generous helping of politics and religion, with ample backstabbing on both sides, coupled with that old fantasy guilty pleasure—romance—and The White War is set to be something I can stand there and grin proudly at upon its completion. That is, until I delve into the sequel, and begin the dark journey afresh (fun, isn't it?).

In the next update, I'll be sharing a map of the world in which The White War is set as cheap ploy at piquing interest further—and come on, who doesn't love a good map? I'll also be talking more about my depiction of elves and fae. 

Keep checking back for an assortment of articles, reviews and general blog updates on everything from my work, to anything else in the genre circle that grabs my interest. In addition, I'll be posting about my involvement with the Ranting Dragon team, and more about my article writing for Fantasy Faction. 

Quick! Think of a flashy title for a first post!

In fact, I'm not very good with titles unless they suddenly jump out at me, which does happen. Sometimes. No, really. Okay, so not all that often, but who needs flashy titles anyway? This...might be why I don't intend to title individual chapters of my novels--opting instead for the classic numbered approach. 

Well, I guess that opens with a random fact about me as a writer: I'm bad with titles. Furthermore, it gets the ball rolling--albeit, slowly. But, as long as it rolls and rolls forwards rather than backwards, I can deal with that. 

If you've checked my bio page, you'll already know a little about me. If not, then I'll regale you with the concise version here: 

I want to write. I want to write fantasy. I am working on fantasy novels as we speak. (Not literally, as I'm presently writing this blog and listening to Classic FM, but you get the point.)

I intend to use this blog as a place to post anything that interests me in the deep, dark and delicious realm of fantasy fiction; this includes my own writing. Whether or not I'll be posting excerpts, all depends on whether or not I feel it appropriate. Essentially, I'd rather get the blog on its feet by posting reviews, articles that I fancy writing about both existing authors and books/series, as well as blogging about my own work. 

I'll take pleasure in posting regular updates and information about my work, such as maps and guides to the world/setting/magic system, and suchlike. Fun things, basically! (Because who doesn't love maps?)

Throughout this year (and beyond), I'll be trying to forge and maintain something of an internet "presence" and endeavour to find and move in the networking and community circles related to what I love: fantasy fiction. 

As well as writing like a demon, I hope to convince myself to start producing short-stories and possibly even novella/novelettes that I can subsequently fling about every which way, in the hope of some kind of impression/reputation/publishing experience sticking as a result. 

As a core part of this "forging a presence" mission (I'll get a +10 to charisma by the end of level 6!) I mentioned writing articles. These will be posted both here, as well as being gladly submitted for the reading pleasure of the members and readers over at Fantasy Faction. Two topics are presently in the pipeline: 

1) Dragons in fantasy: why are they so popular/important/accepted in our staple fantasy novels? 

I'll be looking at their recent resurgence--revived in all their fiery glory--in Stephen Deas' The Adamantine Palace and The King of the Crags (FYI: the final book of this series--I believe it's the final?--The Order of the Scales is released in May 2011), as well as tracing their fantasy origins and exploring their journey and evolution through fantasy fiction. Lots of dragon-y, fire-breathing, burn-y goodness, basically. 

2) Political messages through fantasy: how and why do authors slip their views (whether subtly, or otherwise) into their work? 

I expect that whilst other writers will feature in this article, the limelight will be hogged by Mark Charan Newton, whose Legends of the Red Sun series (currently; Nights of Villjamur and City of Ruin, with The Book of Transformations coming in June 2011) cleverly deals with innumerable political issues that are not only increasingly relevant, but that many fantasy readers can identify with, or at least offer up an opinion on, and would likely do so with great enthusiasm. 

The dragons get to stomp across the stage first, with the article coming within the next few weeks. 

So if this interests you, remember to check back regularly, and whilst you're at it, why not pop over to the lively forums at Fantasy Faction, where the article will also be available? 

Whilst my presence isn't very strong in the Fantasy Faction community yet, I shall be rectifying this in the coming weeks, so look out for me over there, where I'm masquerading around as GavinGuile (a horribly unoriginal, unashamed homage to Brent Weeks' The Black Prism).

Hopefully all this is enough to pique your interest, and keep you checking back for updates.  I intend (best laid plans...) to keep updates regular and entertaining, all whilst working on the book that consumes my life at present--more in detail on The White War in my next update. (See what I did there? You want to know more about it now, don't you? (; ... right? )